How to Overcome Sex Problems


The Problems relative to Sex, and the Solutions.

Due to feedback comments I wish to make clear the following _
1. Blogs are not official church sites.
2. I have spent years working with sex offenders in prisons along with victims through other associations. This document was done with additional input from prison staff, psychologists and a female church member. The Holy Ghost helped in analysis.
3. In spite of how graphically I can describe these problems the stories aren’t my own experiences in the main – though I have been personal witness to certain aspects sufficiently to describe them in detail. Experiences are mine where I have stated so.
4. This document discusses deeply disturbing issues in depth. While I have made changes in an attempt to soften the blow, it was done without removing the main message.
5. It is normal for a person reading about pedophilia to feel ill; and the causes of pedophilia are discussed in this document. I have felt the sick feeling also myself. If you begin to feel this stop reading and come back to read further later.
6. The purpose of this document is four-fold. Firstly, I have written this in the hope to help those caught up in the problem. Secondly, to help those who may be on the way to know what to avoid. Thirdly, assisting people in making such change. And fourthly, that people may be able to make better judgment of, and give better advice to, others in these situations.

  1. The Deception
  2. Problems for Fathers and Mothers
  3. Problems for Men
  4. Problems for Women
  5. Social Problems by Sexual Error
  6. Homosexual/Lesbian lifestyles and Bestiality
  7. Am I a Man or a Woman?
  8. Prostitution
  9. Cross Dressing
  10. How You Feel Inside
  11. Dressing Sexy - cleavage, tight clothes etc
  12. Hot Lust - Does it Last
  13. Freedom
  14. Repentance process, and Evaluating How it Happened
  15. Marriage and Fixing It
  16. Why Listen to God if I'm Sure I'm Right

Fore note

While some may feel this sounds somewhat self-righteous, I can assure you that I have had to learn some of this from mistakes and misconceptions I've also shared. I have deliberately kept myself out of the conversation, as that is generally not constructive.

1. The Deception

Lust can confuse people into thinking that they can obtain total contentment from it, because they can obtain a feeling of temporary physical contentment. However the spirit isn't contented at all. In fact you may notice a tendency toward seeking spiritual fulfillment or having it at that time. But you only feel this because your usual pursuit of pleasing the flesh is temporarily extinguished. It is an illusion, as lust actually drags the spirit down, and will not produce happiness inside.

Alma 41:10 tells us that wickedness never was happiness. The next verse states that those following carnal desires are "in the gall of bitterness and in the bonds of iniquity; they are without God in the world, and they have gone contrary to the nature of God; therefore, they are in a state contrary to the nature of happiness."

Lust is using another persons' body for self-gratification. This feeling is not love, even though you may also feel love for the person. There is often a strong attempt to greatly gratify the other person as a pride thing that feeds our ego. Therefore it is self-serving; not the giving you may have supposed it to be.

Without lust would there be rape, prostitution, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, incest, workplace sexual abuse, child sexual abuse, adultery, fornication, masturbation or any other form of sexual abuse or perversion? Lust produces broken marriages, broken lives, orphans or children with only one parent, jail sentences, murders (particularly in the case of child or adult rape or adultery) [often by abortion], violence, disease and death, self-focused societies and all things associated with these problems _ which is every evil bar none.

Lust seems almost harmless when considered that it is merely that happening inside one person. How can that cause such huge damage as is happening? People will say that it must be the people themselves, "I'd never do that!"

The moment you accept yourself to be above a sin you lay the biggest part of the foundation for it to happen, because you have no defenses up against it and you won't see it happening: You've got the door wide open.

I remember the story of a guy we'll name Tom. Tom couldn't even talk about the subject of child abuse as it upset him so much. His neighbor (a friend of his) was accused of sexually harassing his oldest stepdaughter. After hearing this Tom couldn't even talk to his neighbor again. Tom is now serving a sentence for sexually harassing his oldest daughter, from the time she was 14 years old. Tom considered himself to be above that, and so it crept in in a way he didn't see coming, or even as it was happening. Before he knew it he felt trapped in something that he kept feeling would resolve itself very soon. After four years he brought it to a head to end it.

There were a lot of influences that brought Tom to that point _ bad marriage, feeling unloved and suppressed in a situation he felt was never going to improve, feeling that at least his daughter loved him, and so forth. But without lust, sexual fantasies and masturbation Tom admits, obviously it never would have happened.

Tom has looked back at his life (with the help of the Holy Ghost) and been able to completely change his present and future. Tom no longer has sexual fantasies, or masturbates, or has any interest in lust. But Tom no longer says that he'd NEVER do that, even though he's put all that behind him. He knows now that that is a dangerous thing to say of any sin.

Sexual abuse is on a serious increase within society. Why? Certainly increased amounts of pornographic material and greater ease of obtaining it don't help at all. But there is far more to it than that. People accept to be brainwashed that lust is a good, healthy, safe and normal thing. Advertisements jump up in front of us on television, showing us partly dressed people with (what's regarded as) perfect bodies.

What do pre-puberty and young teenagers think when they see this? They will eventually wonder how their body rates in this concept that presents itself as being so important. Many girls will start to wonder whether their figure is trim enough and worry about their breast size. Boys will start to wonder about their muscle size, and how their penis rates, in a world so absorbed in appearance and performance. Both are informed by friends, periodicals, Television and even articles in the newspapers, that experience at sex is important. Even some "experts" claim that masturbation is essential to balanced living. However Tom and many others (including Jesus Christ) would strongly disagree with this claim from personal experience and observation of others.

There are many who have been on both sides of the lust problem, who'll tell you that they have no desire whatsoever to go back to the dark side (lusting). They have been in the dark (that looked good at the time) and have come out to see the beautiful light of truth and learnt real love. A love that is deep and spiritual: That fills the heart with true joy and happiness, that only those who have experienced it can understand.

Some may feel that God is asking them to give up their freedom, by asking them to end sexual fantasies, lust, masturbation and other improper sexual activities. However nothing is further from the truth. God wants to set you free from these things. It is these things which hold you prisoner.

If I go to buy a car I lose some cash in the process. This is an exchange of the cash (which is useful) for a car (which is also useful). But imagine if you could take down your garbage bin and pay for the car with your rubbish! Would you consider that the salesman had taken away your free right to your garbage? Do you consider that the garbage man is taking away your freedom when he comes and takes your rubbish away? God wants to help people get rid of their rubbish. He's even sent His Son to help remove the old rubbish we've stored up over our lifetime. All we need to do is make the changes He's asking us to make so that we stop collecting more rubbish. Is that a loss of freedom? On the contrary: I feel far freer for the things that I have ceased because He told and showed me they are wrong. But only by giving them up completely could I begin to see, over a period, the amazing transformations that He can make in our lives.

Lust is rubbish. You can't meet it half way. There is no line of happiness in the middle between God and lust.

Some may still hold to the concept that it can be met halfway. They may feel an exception to the rule, and that they will succeed where entire civilizations have failed before them. They may feel that there must have been some that found joy in lust. The first answer I would give to this is a question; "Do you have total happiness inside regarding sex at this moment?" If you aren't already living a lust-less life then the truth is, no, you don't. But the only complete answer to this is for me to urge you to give God a complete go. Give up lust and all sexual fantasies for one year, and watch your life change. Focus your mind on being sensitive to others for that time. Is one year much to give if your life could be so much better thereafter?

In Alma 32:26-43 it talks about faith and knowing the truth of what God is saying. It says that God's words require testing to see if they are true. So conduct an experiment by trying out what He says. Just have a go at trying to believe, and seeing how you feel as you obey His principle that you are having trouble with. He then compares this to a seed, that you are planting in your heart. If it is a good and true seed that you don't cast out because of disbelief you will begin to feel good and a swelling feeling inside. If you feel this you can know that it is good, because it is enlarging your soul, and your understanding begins to be enlightened. Now at this point your faith in this is increasing, but you don't have a perfect knowledge of it yet. As you start to feel this you should start to realize that maybe He's right, and so your faith will grow. With this you will feel a light of truth as you open up to God and that which is happening within you. But your knowledge in this thing isn't perfect yet. So you can't just lay aside your faith. Use it to persist, and see it through to the end. So as it begins to grow you must nourish the seed (concept) and take great care of it so that it can grow up and become strong. If you neglect it, it will fade away, and you will say that God must be wrong, and that His idea didn't work. Now this isn't because the idea wasn't good, but because you didn't really persist with it fully. So if you don't nourish the word, looking forward in faith to the results you will never pluck from the fruit of the tree of life. But if on the other hand you nourish the word, with great diligence and patience, looking forward to it's fruit, it shall take root in you. And then you will come to know that the principle is true by the beautiful feeling this will create inside, and the change in your life.

Alma's statements point out the importance of persisting to finally see the benefit of obeying a concept. Sometimes I've heard a person say that he has tried obeying God and it didn't work, things even seemed worse.

What we sow catches up with us sooner or later. All our sins do so piece by piece, and sometimes in mass. The good we do also does fortunately. The good and bad within the society as a whole also affects us. But when we turn from our sins, it is true that we tend to cop a face full of the mud we have created in sin, which we were receiving anyway and awaited us in the future in the course we were pursuing. However, with patience and in time this will pass and we will go on to receive the blessings of the improved life we now are living. Satan will use the mud to try and convince you to quit, and turn back to sin (which he knows will really just build up even more mud). Don't accept his nonsense. Persist in trying out what God has said. I can tell you that you will find that He is right and your illusions that it might be otherwise will fade and die. Listen to the Holy Spirit in this, and follow his counsel.

2. Problems for Fathers and Mothers

As I have previously stated, there is a lot of sexual pressure within our society. This is equally placed upon young people growing up. What makes it more dangerous for them is that they often think they know more about it than their parents _ particularly once getting into puberty age and beyond. This attitude is a bit like a young person getting into a car and feeling that they wouldn't die, and driving as if they can't. Such a person can be killed and there's the point of what their reckless driving could do to others also. These young people are in a similar danger in regard sex and the results to themselves and others involved with them.

A problem also associated with all this is that parents can tend to feel that their children know more about things than they do. Some parents tend to feel that their children know more about computers, drugs and sex. The reality is that if people of any age KNOW about drugs they won't use them. Some young people may be more aware of what's available; that's all. In regard to computers you'll find that most young people only have a very basic working knowledge of one or few programs. And while that may be more than some parents, in real terms that's not worth mentioning as if it's major knowledge of computers. Young people may know what sex is etc., but their understanding of consequences to it all will probably be poorer than their parents. They can often have a greater percentage of disinformation relative to correct information than do their parents. Also they often have had virtually no serious time to see beyond the limelight of what's presented. They can be confused by loads of error. They don't know unless taught the truth. They are partly afraid of what they don't understand, and this can lead to them putting on a front (even to themselves) that they do. If they can convince peers that they know what they're talking about, they feel that maybe this will help convince themselves that they do. This leads to more disinformation.

A pre-puberty or young teenager can tend to try out her sex appeal to see how she rates. She will tend to try this out on the male she feels safest with. This will often be a father or stepfather, uncle or close family friend _ or all, if not receiving a response. This can lead to serious problems if the male involved feels dissatisfied in his relationship, regards that the young female seems to know her own mind (and therefore he accepts her as a woman) and lust has a place in his life. The latter is the basis of what can happen from there. Yes, his wife will obviously have some problems too, but his lust problem is what will cause his actions.

Some may be horrified at my statement that a pre-teens and young teens would do such a thing. However it's a sad fact due to the pressure that is placed upon these young people by our society and it's thinking. You can't expect no price for sin. You can't play with sex and not have a burned society. Lust is destructive, and that is that. How could anyone think that with such constant bombardment from the press that all not vigilant wouldn't be affected? Of course young people are affected. Anyone finding this idea impossible is suggesting that they are wiser than their parents. And I would be curious to see their evidence for such a claim. I think we all know that that's not true. If someone turns their back on this problem they are only supporting it's continuance, and males are leaving themselves wide open to sin. The main thing men need to do is just be aware of the problem and to ignore any such advances made by any female young person. I would, naturally, also advise any woman to be aware of any advances by a male young person, equally. This problem is so prevalent that I can’t emphasize it enough. This is not pleasing discussion but needs to be addressed. Some of these girls will show up their skirts etc to get a response from a man. They will give a solid stare that can give men the definite conclusion that she knows what she's doing.

It must be understood that the real reason why the girl is doing this is that she wants to be assured of her ability to deal with the sex issue: She wants to be assured she is sexy enough to attract a man.

The man sees female parts that fit with his sexual fantasies, and his thinking is perverted by lust. Don't consider yourself to be above or beyond sins' grasp. No person is, except he that has made himself free from these things (lust). And only by maintaining himself there will he continue to be confident in being free from these things. Play with fire and you will eventually be burned through and through. Sin always burns, it's just sometimes we don't see it, or associate the problem with the action.

George, like Tom, considered he'd never be involved in any form of child abuse. His daughter started making sexual plays (displaying parts) at him. He liked his daughter and just considered it a thing between his daughter and himself. He felt he had control of the situation. He had a problem in that he masturbated. He also had sexual fantasies. But with a couple of years of his daughter doing this, and him looking and lusting her, he eventually started to consider taking it further. Around two years later he was fingering his daughter whom he thought knew what she was doing. When she eventually showed her confusion in all this he backed off and stopped. This backing off made his daughter advance again, and he felt that she must have been too young before but now she understood as she advanced on him so aggressively and seemed so sure. But upon it beginning again she eventually withdrew again. And this cycle went on until she was nineteen, and he ended in jail.

George had a bad relationship with his wife and his wife may have had many problems, but Georges' main problem stemmed from inside himself. Without lust, masturbation and sexual fantasies none of this would have happened. George has lost his marriage and his family.

Some may feel that George should lose a lot more. But that sort of unforgiving attitude is what Christ preached against and isn't "Christian". Life exercises true justice (as you sow you reap). And Christ would be more the one to say, "he / she that is without sin, let him / her cast the first stone". I had a good talk with God about how I should learn to forgive these people, as I had great problem with it and rapists. The Spirit helped me see that it's a bit like a hospital, and we're all sick with sin. Do you go into a hospital and condemn one person for being more sick than another? Be grateful if it has not been you caught up in this to date. And take note of this, and listen to the Spirit that it may not happen in the future.

3. Problems for Men

While George and Tom both had things occur within the family, often it isn't that close. I think of the story of a guy we'll call Fred. Fred worked very hard and long hours. When he had time off he liked to go camping and fishing with the family or part thereof. His daughter had a fourteen-year old school friend who came to their house sometimes. She came out on a camp with them and showed great interest in Fred. She came over when she knew he'd be home and kept making eyes at him. Eventually he and she organized it that on one camping trip there was only he, his daughter and her. The friend made an excuse to sleep in the center, and during the night sexual things occurred.

These things can happen so easily. Most people to whom they happen don't set out for them to occur. They don't set out to have a relationship with someone under age deliberately. The girl puts in a lot of effort to convince the guy that she's mature enough to make the decision and is sure of what she is doing. The guy likes the attention and wants to accept her as if she were an adult, particularly if she is showing body parts: Lust takes over and does the rest.

This appearance of knowing is fake. Those who fall into this trap eventually discover that the girl had no real love or commitment as she drops out of it. If Fred had clean thoughts always this problem wouldn't have occurred.

In my discussions with rapists, when I've asked how it was that they could treat a woman that way, the main response is that they didn't see her as a woman at that point, but as an object. How does someone come to see a human being merely as an object? In the case of sex offenses it's focusing on her body only. This thinking is promoted by sex magazines, particularly where body parts are shown only. But also that the females in the magazine have no to little personality shown. Also, being only pictures, there isn't really any person there at all. You can't communicate with them and they don't communicate back. Pornographic videos also share these problems. With prostitutes the person gets the opinion that he can have sex with anyone without feeling there needs to be some love involved. Once again the focus on these things is lust. And the Lust becomes the master not a servant. The person becomes a slave.

4. Problems for women

A serious problem in our society today is the incredible ease with which an innocent person can be jailed for rape, or sexual acts relative to those under age. Lots of noise is occurring about people (generally centered at men) not being found out. While all should be appalled if this be the case, this has created a mass hysteria about sex crime allegations. While someone accused of murder needs to be proven guilty, a man accused of sex crimes (particularly those involving under age people) must prove his innocence _ an incredibly difficult thing to do. Twisted interpretations of phone conversations and innuendo become "evidence" in courtrooms that juries (also people in the same society) accept. Those convicted (particularly where bad "evidence" isn't exposed) feel that the government funded defense lawyers they were given were either amazingly inept or supporting the states case to convict in spite of being there to defend _ some making the other side look good (I have witnessed one such case myself).

It is a blight on our society that a cheesed-off ex-wife can send an innocent man to jail for 15 years, at public expense, and (just to add insult to injury) be compensated with tens of thousands of dollars or more, also at public expense.

Some argue (relative to child claims) that "children don't lie, particularly about these things." Having had 7 children myself I can assure you that children can be convinced of anything very easily. My oldest son went through a time at one stage (for about 6 months, after a particular trauma), when 10 or 11 years old where he would lie about anything and be quite convinced it was true. It was so bad that he would lie saying that something plainly in his hand wasn't there. Children certainly DO lie. What's worse is that children can easily be made to believe that something occurred which didn't. They only need to be told often enough, particularly if tired _ they start to visualize it in their head and it becomes real. This is particularly easy when it is loosely based on an actual (harmless) event. I remember sitting down with my children (the oldest was about 12 years old at the time) and in about 10 minutes I convinced them that we definitely NEEDED a yacht, and that all our problems would be solved if we had one. The purpose of this was to demonstrate that we can convince ourselves that we need anything, but we should be sensible and realize that we don't need it at all. But the point is that it only took 10 minutes to convince them of such a ridiculous claim. We are on the one hand saying that they are children, and therefore not capable of making an informed decision about sex. Yet on the other hand saying that they are all-knowing when giving testimony against the proposed offender. This is a contradiction.

No one would sensibly propose that allegations aren't looked into, but it should be treated as any other allegation where good evidence must be presented to convict. Those lawyers there to defend must do so with genuine earnestness. If a case doesn't have such evidence it's time to accept that most probably it's because the person actually didn't do it, and the proposed crime didn't occur at all. If you think that the law is that bad that all those accused who aren't convicted are guilty, then by the same logic you would have to conclude that all convicted are innocent. By focusing your thoughts on only one side (ie. he did it and got away with it) thinking becomes twisted and true justice lost.

Serious difficulties also exist relative to rape. While it is true to say that "rape is rape", it is a bit like saying, "theft is theft" or "murder is murder". All these statements are true but courts make varying penalties in the latter two. A person has even murdered, been found guilty and then sent home, because of the circumstances surrounding the crime. Rape, however, seems to be treated quite differently; which is wrong. There are great differences in degree of rape and its effect and surrounding circumstances. While I abhor rape, and there is no such thing as a justified or right rape, I think it incredibly unjust to throw all rapes together as if a totally equal act.

To quote one extreme: I remember years ago when I was in the army, I was on guard duty and a young woman approached me (we'll call her Rose) and said that she wished to complain because some army fellows had raped her. I knew this young woman by sight as she was in the army canteen every night and it was known that several guys would buy her drinks for the evening and at some point they would all go out and she would have sex with them all. This apparently happened every night, and I knew some who had been through this with her. I, myself, had seen her there whenever there myself (as much as I bothered to remember). Morally all were doing an incorrect act. Both Rose and those guys involved each night were abusing a wonderful thing _ the ability to procreate (have children).

When I called out the guard commander and he heard the allegation he seemed to be even more surprised than I was when she told me (I'd only been there several months). I would assume that several guys had bought her drinks, taken her out and been a bit pushy. She may have felt that she wasn't being charmed enough, and wanted to be charmed first. And they've felt that they'd paid the price in buying her the beer. This doesn't make it right to just take sex against her will, naturally. But what kind of a deal was this anyway? Is it a good and wholesome one?

But look at a woman who is walking home from work because her car broke down, minding her own business, and a carload of guys force her into a car and rape her. The latter is a far more aggressive action upon a far less involved woman. Also the question would arise as to how much trauma each of these women actually went through in this process. Rose, while showing a sign of feeling indignant, was very casual about it all, and showed no sign of trauma whatsoever. Considering that some women end up severely traumatized and even some in a mental institution by violent, aggressive rapes, I think in order that we have true justice we need to make some segregation somewhere. I must also say that I personally feel it a belittling of violent and aggressive rape victims to throw them in with situations like that of Rose (without detracting from the seriousness of that which happened to Rose).

Also a problem in all this is wife / girlfriend rape, where an accepted sexual relationship already exists, but has been violated. At what point did the woman say "no", and how convincingly did she convey this opinion? What if she says, "no", then he gives some reason for continuing, and she makes no further statement but makes some "humph" sound, and all this happens during the process of them having sex? He may have said something he shouldn't have and then apologized. Afterward she starts to feel miffed about it and claims rape against him. On the other hand there can be genuine violent rape by a husband / boyfriend (there are even cases of violence against husbands).

Because of the many things that can occur in this regard I think a distinction has to be made between where permission for sex has already been given and not formerly retracted, and where never given. This area also is far too open for serious abuse by a disgruntled spouse / friend.

Serious problems also exist in the area of protection orders. I remember when living at a particular house I lived at for eight years that at one point the neighbors on both sides had such marriage disputes that both wives took out protection orders against their husbands (both of whom WERE violent). The one on the right side happened first. She made big point of how violent he was and how scared she was of him. She was definitely committed to not having him back. The next thing I know he's back and she's accepted it. This left me rather confused. Then the one on the other side occurred, and she was actually physically shaking with fear about what he might do to her and the children. She asked if I would come over if he turned up. He did turn up. And I gave it a couple of minutes (listening for any sound of violence). Upon going over I found her no longer shaking with fear. I realized that she was no longer shaking because she was talking with him rather than thinking of what could happen any moment when unable to see him _ as had been the case before. So the latter seemed preferable. In other words the protection order hadn't really worked against these two violent husbands, because of the wives genuine fears.

On the other hand let's consider the case of Bill and Alice, who'd been married for about 20 years and things weren't going well. During their marriage Alice had initiated any violence that had occurred _ She had hit and kicked Bill four times, and Bill had hit back once and kicked back once in those years _ while not a perfect record, certainly for either to claim the other a serious threat would be a wild exaggeration.

However Alice wanted a divorce, but wanted to live in the home (rented in Bills' name) and wanted custody of the children. She also wanted justification with her local church, where her husband had good standing. In the hall-way one day, while arguing, she pushed against him with her chest goading him, asking continually, "what are you going to do about it, go on, what are you going to do about it?" He regarded this as a claim that he wouldn't dare punch her _ as happens in schoolyards etc. So, foolishly, he gave her a small punch in the side, where he calculated she had plenty of flab to handle it. Unfortunately, by this action she had justification to take out a court order against him, and did so. At this point she had hit him 4 times and he'd hit her 3 times, but he had a court order against him. This, truly, was a farce, and an abuse of the point of the law. Unfortunately this is all I hear from the many examples I've seen and heard of. If some court orders are actually working against truly violent husbands it would appear to be rare, and far outweighed by the abuse that's happening.

I urge all to consider these problems and refrain from extreme notions. More laws don’t resolve the problem, it requires a new thinking: Doing things God’s way for a change. Another great problem that shows up in all these areas is the very long jail sentences given to the proposed perpetrators of sex crimes. While all care must be given to protect women, equal care must be employed, by a just society, to protect innocent men from being incarcerated at the rate, and for the lengthy periods for which they presently are being.

This is a suitable condition from Satan's point of view as it turns men off women and therefore creates more homosexual and lesbian problems. I couldn't tell you how many men I have come across who are now anti-women because of the apparent lack of fairness within society relative to men. Men complain that the women are more likely to get custody of the children, even when the woman has demonstrated serious problems. Women are more likely to get use, therefore, of the house. These problems and the threat of going to jail for sex crimes not committed are all responsible. Men complain that their ex-wives have actually threatened such against them if they argue custody etc.

One further point in this regard is the freedom from prosecution for those making such claims. When God gave the law to Moses He made sure that there was fair penalty to those abusing it. Deuteronomy 19:18-19 states that if a person is found to be bearing false witness that the penalty for them shall be the penalty that would have been given to the accused. With such penalties we'd find far less court cases of sex claims, I'm sure. The Police involved in these things should also be sent to jail when it is obvious that they have been involved in the lie.

Sooner or later all this will swing back against women, and this I don't wish to see. I urge women, for their own futures' sake, to refrain from abusing these laws for personal gain, and advise their friends the same.

The real answers to a nations ills were delivered by Jesus Christ around 2000 years ago. He was raised under the leadership of a tyrannical government (the Romans) whom he made no attempt to depose. He knew that the answer lay in changing peoples' hearts. Make the people better and all these problems will fade away. However I'd also advise people to petition politicians for fairer and more sensible laws.

5. Social Problems by Sexual Error

It isn't possible to write all the problems that sexual misconduct is partially to blame for, because there is no wrong that man does that at one stage hasn't occurred because of sexual misconduct or with it as an intent. I've even seen sex responsible for people J-Walking. Unfortunately many other crimes are far more serious. And many problems created by it aren't related to crimes, but create serious social difficulties.

The biggest problem it creates is within the most important unit of our society _ the family. It creates even more damage here than mindless (often divorced themselves), social workers who advise wives to leave their husbands as a solution to problems. We have ever-increasing numbers of family break-ups. And at the same time greater sexual expectations within a marriage creates unrealistic demands of both partners. Satan is definitely behind this, but people have to accept to be conned. We have a right to make a choice, in spite of what is being thrown at us.

Abortion numbers are also very high. This creates several problems. The first and most obvious is the death of a being. Some would give the baby a different title in order to suggest that the baby isn't human. But whether you call him / her a "fetus", "armus", "legus" or whatever is irrelevant to the fact that it's a human being. Talk of inconvenience or the "rights" of the woman pale in significance to murder. If I used the excuse that I murdered someone because I felt they inconvenienced my lifestyle people would be horrified (and rightly so). So that's no excuse.

But for those unable (or unwilling) to comprehend this (I pity their spirit), the cost financially for all these abortions is astronomical. Along with the financial cost is the point that it belittles life. One sin leads to the next. Murder of people outside the womb is also on the increase.

Then there is the problem of children living with only one parent. Sometimes with stepfathers who come and go at either their will or that of the mother.

I remember when living in an area where there were a lot of single mothers, that one boy came up to me and started talking to me as I was walking down the street. He started calling me Dad because he said that he didn't have one, and men came and went. I felt sorry for him and didn't say no. But before long I was getting a larger and larger amount of children joining him and all calling me Dad. I considered that this wasn't a safe idea as someone was bound to get offended by this, and so I had to cease it. However it shows the insecurity that these children feel, and that they recognize the need for both parents, not one only, in their lives.

I remember a guy at high school whose parents had divorced when he was a baby. It wasn't common then and where I was. The woodwork teacher was surprised to find that he had no idea at 12 years old of how to use a hammer, chisel, saw or even a screwdriver. He was 17 or 18 before learning how to change a tyre.

Not having both parents in the home to see how a good home life works, and how to resolve problems rather than run away from them, is an extra handicap that such children must bear. Is this fair to these children? Couples need to put aside selfishness and pride and work things out together. Set the focus on the spiritual (completely _ no half-baked cakes _ they're no good to anyone). The idea of lusting needs to be thrown out.

We also have people spending the family money on prostitutes, pornography, going to strip joints, and all other forms by which sex takes money. This also drags more women into these sad lifestyles and lack of respect for their own bodies and self. Sometimes these women are on drugs, and the money is used to make their life situation even worse. Men also get involved in these things. Crimes are committed to obtain money to hire prostitutes etc.

How many murders have occurred because of adultery? Improper sexual relationships have even led to war _ look at Cleopatra and Mark Antony. Suicide and drug use are more that can be added to the list.

People don't plan for all these problems. They can happen to anyone if they allow lust a big enough hold on their life. But where is a safe place to stop it? How far is safe? There is no safe place for lust other than not there in your life at all: As stated before, "you can't play with fire and not get burned". Sooner or later it will have you pay the price. In fact, if you look carefully enough, you will see that you're always paying a price. It's a bad deal indeed.

6. Homosexual/Lesbian lifestyles and Bestiality

There is much debate that has gone on about the first two of these. There are claims of people being born that way, and all sorts of things. There’s talk of it being in the genes _ that a person is genetically that way inclined. Scientific studies have been conducted by groups for and against, and it has been scientifically proven and scientifically disproved. So all this means nothing.

However a look at animals doesn’t reveal homosexual / lesbian relationships. While I have seen dogs try to relieve their frustration even on lamp posts, whenever a male dog attempts anything with another male the one underneath immediately throws the other off. On the rare occasions this hasn't happened the dog didn't have his penis going into the other dog's rear end. If such were a natural thing then why don’t dogs, cats, fish in tanks and birds in cages do such? I chose these as they are under our noses and so we can see the whole truth. Some have tried to confuse actions happening with some slugs. But there is no real evidence of what is being claimed. Also some apes in Asia are said to have this problem due to isolation from the females (but I've seen no evidence of this). Again I would ask why not dogs, cats etc if it’s so natural? It would appear that only people are capable of thinking deeply enough to pervert nature to that degree. I only bring this out for those interested in looking at it beyond the spiritual point. I accept that there has been an enormous amount of brainwashing material going out on this subject.

But let’s get to the point: In the Law given by God to Moses, God made it very plain that homosexual / lesbian practices are destructive to nations. He made it that anybody practicing such be put to death _ "If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death. Their blood shall be upon themselves" (Leviticus 20:13). The New Testament also presents statements that early saints were to refrain from such practices (Romans 1:27). Also bestiality was the same. Those having practiced any of these may still be caught up in them. The biggest problem may be that they seem harmless and personal only. A person practicing bestiality may argue that they are the only person involved (as a person may argue about masturbation). Homosexuals and lesbians may argue that the other person was willing. So where is the problem?

The problem can be looked at from two points of view. The first is what you are missing by not having a good heterosexual marriage. The second is the problems caused to a person (and the effect thereby on society). I'll deliberately start with the second, as it's the negative, and end up on the first, as it's the positive.

Any sexual perversion creates problems (even those of a heterosexual nature). God equally condemned to death those practicing adultery. He condemns anything outside of sex within marriage. Why?

I read through the Scriptures and feel a great love for certain prophets. I have a great love for my mother, brother and stepfather. I love and admire deeply a woman who's happily married. I love her for her oneness with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, and she has been a great example to me. But I have no desire at all to have sex with her, because that isn't the nature of our relationship. Us loving people is a good and righteous thing. But Satan attempts to use this good and righteous thing for a bad purpose. He uses a bad thing (lust) and perverts the good with it, so that in the end even the good comes out wrong. Sex is a good, righteous and natural thing for having children _ that is its purpose. In having sex with a husband or wife, a person is fulfilling this natural thing. Anything else is sex for gratification of lust. Lust drags the spirit down to serve the flesh, and kills the spirit to that degree to which it is dragged down. No one is exempt from these rules. No one lives above them. If anyone is honest with themselves they'll see this and know that it's true. So to have a great love for someone of the same gender is fine, but to translate this into a sexual relationship opposes the spirit within you and the spirit within the other person involved. With bestiality it is also damaging to your spirit and that of the animal. These seemingly harmless relationships create more physically centered people, and this affects others to think more in physical terms by contact and discussion within society. If mold is left untreated it will in time be all throughout the house. Yet the small bit of mold looks harmless and the real depth of the problem, in the wood, can't be seen at first glance. The physical or the spiritual must take precedence _ you can't keep swapping over, and expect to reach a spiritual peak. You are selling yourself short if you hold to the physical at all. The Apostle Paul states that by following the flesh he could never be free, and following Christ as is required. He states that it was only by submitting the flesh to the will of his spirit and that of the Holy Spirit that he could have true freedom and follow Christ (Refer Romans 8:4-14). The flesh will always lead astray. All sexual acts contrary to that which God ordained were born to the flesh, and servitude to its desires. Servitude to the flesh creates theft, greed, covetousness, murder, violence, sexual abuse, war, family break-ups and every other evil. Homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, and masturbation are all destructive of the person, no matter who they are. Only ceasing these things will bring true happiness.

But to get to a better point _ what are people missing by not being in a good heterosexual marriage? Any married couple, by putting aside selfishness, can achieve a wonderful, spirit centered marriage. But this also requires a putting aside the desires of the flesh. The marriage must be centered on the spiritual and your relationship with the Father and Son. You must be listening to the Holy Ghost for guidance in the ways of truth. Can a righteous man or woman not totally love and admire a righteous person? And if this person is your marriage partner, living in a relationship as God stated (man - woman) then what greater thing can you have? If your marriage isn't / wasn't like this it is because you aren't righteous, and therefore must change to become so. It's no good blaming the partner until personal righteousness is obtained (and then you'll know better than to do so anyway). 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that any sin that tempts us is also given to everyone else, but that God won't allow you to be tempted beyond your ability to resist, and He'll make a way for you to get out of it. So no one HAS to sin. Only the devil wants you to believe such nonsense. We all know that everybody has sinned at some time in our life (Romans 3:23, 1 John 1:8), but we don't need to continue doing so once we grab the point (1 John 2:15-17, 1 John 2:9-10). With a marriage centered around love and Gods' commandment to have children (" fruitful and multiply.." Gen 1:28) a perfect and whole union will exist. As the couple serve God and mankind together so their love and respect for each other will expand and expand. Isn't this what anyone would want? Try God's way COMPLETELY for a year and see what you end up. God knows what He's talking about. That is the hardest lesson for us to learn. Children often think that they know better than their parents. We have the same problem with our Heavenly Father. Things SEEM different to the way He says they are, until we sincerely try it His way, and then we see in time that He's right. The law of tithing doesn't make logical sense until you do it sincerely wanting to follow God. Then watch what happens. Is it logical that you can give away 10% of what you have and end up better off (Ref Malachi 3:10-12)? The answer ought to be "no". But it works in spite of that, as I can tell you from personal experience. Equally so do all of Gods' instructions work. All sexual acts outside of a righteous marriage situation will not bring you anything like the wonderful experience you can have, and that God wants you to have also.

7. Am I a Man or a Woman?

There is a lot of loss of identity of male and female roles within society today. What is a man, and what is a Woman? This confusion has contributed to the rise in homosexual and lesbian problems. Also there are a lot of people confused about what gender they are: some injecting themselves with hormones to make changes to their bodies' behavior. Some even having gender changes surgically. Some feel that they are a woman trapped in a mans' body or visa-versa.

When God put our spirit in our body he chose those spirits / intelligences that thought like men to be men, and those that thought like women to be women. Women and men do think differently from each other. The difficulty in working out exactly how becomes more complicated by the fact that a good woman can be better at what men are best at, than a bad man. And we also see examples of a specific man being better at a woman's role than a specific woman. However some things have been established with fair recognition.

Some studies have shown that girls of younger high school age come out better in the style of IQ tests we've developed. Others have suggested that men are more inclined toward stronger single focus on a problem, whereas women are better at dealing with several smaller problems at once.

In my own marriage I noticed that my wife was better at dealing with the children going to school routine in the morning. To me all these problems suddenly presented posed an onslaught, and chaos. But I watched her take each problem and resolve it fairly quickly and adequately considering time restraints. My tendency would have been to try and resolve each one completely and I never would have achieved it in the time. I also noted that she didn't seem to comprehend the idea of keeping things flowing outside the home re: techniques relative to income, peace in the neighborhood and the general order of the long-term. I'm not, by any means, suggesting that this is all that is different between men and women.

So both of us had that at which we were best at. It doesn't mean that we couldn't adapt to doing what the other was best at, but why would a tennis pro chuck it in to try and become a golf pro (for example)? The tennis pro may even develop a reasonable game of golf, better than most. But he/she would be better to do that which he/she is best at, rather than trying to be something that he/she isn't.

There are those that see spirits, and even see peoples' spirits inside themselves. I've not heard of anyone who has seen a male spirit inside a woman's body or visa-versa.

When I was young (at primary school) I remember liking girls more than boys. I liked girls so much that I wished that I'd been born one. However by high school age I realized that I was glad that I was male as that meant that I could marry a female. Does this feeling in primary school mean that I'm really a female trapped in a man's body? Examination of my tendencies in thinking has shown me to be a typical male. A woman who has seen my spirit has seen me _ a male.

But the main thing that gives me confidence is that I know that God knows what He's doing. He has made males into males and females into females. It's good that it's that simple. For those exceptionally few who may have physical gender problems that make it difficult to be sure what gender they are, this is something that you should work out with lots of prayer, and fasting if necessary. Only God can really help you fully understand just what is best and right in this regard.

8. Prostitution

The law that God laid down to Israel was that there were to be no prostitutes _ "Do not prostitute your daughter, to cause her to be a whore; in case the land falls to whoredom, and the land becomes full of wickedness" (Leviticus 19:29). And also the Scripture states, "There shall be no whore of the daughters of Israel, nor a sodomite of the sons of Israel" (Deuteronomy 23:17). The Hebrew word used here and translated as "whore" in English means "a person paid for having sex".

The Scriptures, in many places, speak against fornication and adultery. In Gods' law fornicators had to marry and never divorce, and adulterers were put to death. So a prostitute and those having sex with one would have to fall into one of these categories.

Does a prostitute really "love" her client, or the client "love" a prostitute? If really so they wouldn't take advantage of each other. The client would date (rather than have sex with) this person whom he truly loves and is concerned for. And the prostitute couldn't charge money for demonstration of such love.

I hear claims of prostitution reducing rape, yet prostitution and rape are both said to be on the increase overall.

I think it is a sad thing that a persons' life is so devoid of love that they think sex with a prostitute is love. If a persons' life is this devoid of love surely it's time to admit that trying Gods' way can't make you worse off. Following God will fill a person with real love. A love that will fill you with true joy. This doesn't promise peace on the outside and a trouble free life at all. It means that you are free on the inside. As Jesus Christ put it, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you: not as the world gives give I to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid" (John 14:27).

Going to prostitutes will never produce true joy, for either party. Money and lust are the things pretending to be an answer to a lack of happiness, and a solution to urges. But it never happens; for happiness and real solutions aren't in sin, they are in righteousness and Gods' ways.

9. Cross Dressing

In the Law of Moses it states, "The woman shall not wear men's clothing, neither shall a man put on women's clothing: for all that do so are an abomination to the Lord your God (Deuteronomy 22:5). That's fairly straight forward and heavy.

But some will ask why God has made such a law. They may consider it harmless enough to have a uni-dress code (both sexes wearing the same thing) for example.

When a man dresses up he may put on a suit and tie, good shoes and socks, and a good shirt. When a guy dresses up as a woman he puts on a dress, shoes, stockings, takes a handbag or purse (or both), and does his hair (or puts on a wig), wears mascara, nail polish, foundation, blusher, rouge, lipstick, and whatever else. All this extra dressing to dress as a woman would seem quite a novelty for him. However this promotes an identity crisis for the person wearing it, and for people seeing it. It is very important for men to realize that they are men and for women to realize they are women _ there is no unisex.

People having a sex identity crisis are more prone to accepting homosexuality and lesbianism, as the lines of gender are being crossed and confused. Even if the person wearing it feels they have control (which is an unwise way to feel since no one is above error) they aren't considering sufficiently its effect upon others.

You only have to look at the many lesbians who cut their hair and dress as men, to see that cross-dressing and homosexual / lesbian problems have an affiliation with each other.

There are those cross-dressers who may not as yet have crossed this line. But why play with fire? If you don't like who you are, change yourself, not your clothes. Trust God in this and do it His way.

10. How you Feel Inside

This is a difficult subject in that there are those involved in sexual misconduct who themselves were a total victim and not in any way responsible, nor in any way promoted that which occurred. And it is my concern not to make them feel guilty in any way, shape or form. However my other concern is the spiritual welfare of the many who may be uncertain, or feel that they were partly responsible. Other people (meaning well) may be telling them that they had nothing to do with it. But inside the person may still be unsure or in conflict.

A leader in Victims of Crime once told me that one of the biggest obstacles to a person moving on from a crime is what they term "Secondary Victims"; those people associated with the victim. These include people such as parents, teachers, friends, etc. These people don’t let go, or allow the victim to, and really need counseling themselves to move on. Most psychologists and psychiatrists are an additional problem in this area.

Telling a person something is right that they don't truly accept inside won't make a person feel spiritually well, even though it may temporarily reassure them on the outside: The inner conflict will still remain.

So hopefully the following will be advantageous to all.

Those involved in sexual abuse (as with any wrong situation) can ask themselves at some point, "How much was it my fault?" The immediate response of many is to create a black and white situation, with a total victim and total offender. And in some instances this is a correct thing to do. However, many other instances aren't that simple at all, unfortunately. Looking at it from a legal point of view it is that simple, but God judges (and we do inside) according to our understanding of our actions. There is no age at which a person magically transforms from total ignorance to total knowledge.

I remember when I was 7 years old I suddenly started to feel bad about myself, and I had no idea why. No one had prepared me for this at all. I started to feel terrible when I'd lie to my mother and she'd believe me. Other things I'd get away with started to bother me also. The Doctrine and Covenants 68:27 states, "And their children shall be baptized for the remission of their sins when eight years old, and receive the laying on of the hands." This is stating that by the age of eight a person is capable of feeling bad about evil they have done, and good about the good that they have done. So from this time a person has the capability of discerning good from bad.

However other factors come in and create problems in making it this clear-cut. They revolve around lack of correct information, and our lack of ability (or desire) to accept it.

While many civilizations and peoples over the millennia have and do get married at these younger ages, people in our society are thinking in child mode even in early teens; and not given serious, adult responsibility. The whole society presents this, even at school. Thus people in early teens, while being adults on the one hand, are confused and not taking responsibility. They are told that they can't think like an adult. Therefore even at 18 the idea of marriage is a fantasy. They aren't prepared for the reality, or seriousness of marriage and life's' problems (generally speaking): Many haven't even learnt to cook meals for a family, or use a washing machine. As mentioned before, however, preteens and young teens are bombarded with sex, and the concept that they have to fit in with this "ALL IMPORTANT" thing. So in spite of not being of legal marriageable age the temptation is to see what this thing is all about, and what's true and what isn't. Questions arise in the young person's head, and doubts as to how well they will fit in with this.

A young preteen or young teenager may then demonstrate sexual interest to an adult. Things then transpire, this can sometimes leave the young person very confused in the end of it all, and sometimes the adult equally so: Neither really having thought through where it was going to go. It sometimes happens that the young perosn takes to it like a duck to water and we end up with another Rose. The youth may also conduct sexual relationships with other youths _ no better (in fact it could be argued that two young people are then being sexually confused rather than just one).

So how much is the young person (victim?) responsible in sex related cases? The only person who truly knows the full extent of the physical and emotional agreement and desire for the act to have occurred is the young person. The only person who knows just how much the person made an informed decision is also the young person (victim?).

This raises the obvious question as to whom, but God, KNOWS everything? The usual thinking of people is that 100% of the blame must be shared between the two involved and to place it all on the senior.

However the first flaw in this is that it is doubtful that either the senior (perpetrator?) or the young person are really that well informed, or the crime wouldn't have taken place (as an evil act is equally an act against the good of the perpetrator). So can 100% of the blame be placed on the partly ignorant? Common sense and fairness say that you can’t. That is the very point being made about young people.

Also society itself must take part of the blame for accepting sex as so important, and for allowing and promoting sexual misconduct. Wasn't the perpetrator(?) brought up in the society? I often hear people talk about how dishonest politicians are, but if people in society were all honest so would the politicians be, as they come from the society. Sex offenders are being created by the society.

On the other side of the point, we must remember that we are free to make our own decisions, and only we are responsible for what we do. That may seem a contradiction, but it isn't. A crime (such as a bank robbery) may be committed by several people, but each person is responsible individually for their actions relative to their understanding. So a person committing a sex crime is 100% responsible for his/her actions relative to his/her understanding.

The youth (victim?) is in the same position, and to deny them a right to correct their lives (if they were actively involved in it's occurrence to any degree) is a crime in itself. A concerned young person should prayerfully examine the situation, and with God's (for He knows the heart and judges correctly) help sort out what happened and why. This can be a difficult and drawn out process that requires LOTS of prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit. It also requires LOTS of honest self-examination. But without this process the doubts, anger and uncertainty just go on.

If a young person feels that they were partly to blame (no matter how small) it requires a repentance process. Again, listening to the Holy Spirit to assist in this and lots of prayer, Scripture reading and service to others all help in creating a new person that you can feel proud of. Asking Heavenly Father to forgive you is also important in this process. Doing these things will also help you see it all in a much clearer light, as God is closer to you and the Holy Ghost inspires with truth.

11. Dressing Sexy - cleavage, tight clothes etc

On television programs and movies, music clips and all sorts of advertising we see people dressed in clothes that promote parts of the body for sexual attraction. They don't have young women on the beach in bikinis because bikinis are fashionable but to use sex to promote a product _ even if it's to promote the main female in a movie. A woman or man doesn't have to be standing naked to look sexy. In fact some feel that nude is boring.

Some feel that they can walk around looking sexy, and that they have a right to do so and not be harassed. Theoretically this is true. But the same problems in peoples' thinking that will make this person subject to possible attraction, is that which also makes this person subject to possible harassment. If societies' thinking was so good that this person wouldn't be harassed, they wouldn't be found attractive because of what they're displaying either. You can't play with fire and expect you can control it, and it'll behave as you will it. If you go out dressed to kill, that could end up being the result to you.

Prostitutes often show parts (dressing scantily) to "turn on" someone to get a client. Clearly, prostitutes accept that there is an association between wearing high mini skirts and/or low cut or clinging clothes, and attracting sexual interest. Considering how powerful a force this can be in a person, how can anyone feel confident that they can control someone they arouse? Rape is a serious possible outcome of such actions. Great thought and care needs to be placed upon the subject of attire.

Anyone so physically centered that the shape of your body is something important to them has a problem. The most beautiful feeling you can have with a person is to feel the spirit of a spiritually wonderful person with your own spirit. Those who have never truly experienced this would be stunned at what they are missing. LUST JUST ISN'T IN THE RUNNING: It's off in the opposite direction. But you'll never truly experience this beautiful feeling without giving lust away permanently. Any focus on the body takes you away from this. As I said at first, you can't meet lust half way. There's no total happiness in anything other than that which God has told us.

Jesus Christ said, "But I say to you, that whoever looks on a woman to lust her has committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matt 5:28). Lust drags down the heart. The wearing of clothes that present your body as a sex object in any way or to any degree can lead to this adultery in someone's mind. Do you think it good to have a girlfriend / boyfriend / husband / wife who thinks as an adulterer? This can only lead to misery and regret unless stopped.

So should we all wander around dressed as some Muslim women do? It is hardly necessary to go to such an extreme, within our society, as to cover ourselves from head to toe. But those things which have demonstrated sex appeal should be covered for the sake of the person wearing it, and those with whom he / she comes in contact. Also tight fitting clothes that highlight parts should be avoided.

But skirts / dresses that at least go to around the knees, and wearing sleeves that go a reasonable distance toward the elbow would be best. This sort of attire is quite fashionable. Also any showing of cleavage (breasts) is also, definitely, best avoided.

Men are better off wearing buttoned shirts that don't show physique, and women wearing a blouse if not wearing a dress. Men and women should avoid shorts, unless they're fairly long in the leg (to around the knee area). I pay no more for my shirts than I would if I bought a T-shirt instead. And my trousers cost less to buy than a pair of jeans do. All you have to do is look around at prices before buying.

At the beach people should also consider these things, and again dress carefully. Large, baggy swimwear is easily available for men, and women can wear a one piece bathing costume and reasonable length loose shorts. I sometimes see women go for a swim wearing a T-shirt and shorts over their bathing costume. Considering what people can otherwise see at the beach this is fairly sensible attire, and far less likely to create sexual attraction of any type.

12. Hot Lust - Does it Last

A person may go out and buy some pornographic material and get really stimulated about a person or people in the material. Some guy may feel the woman in there is the "hottest" thing he's ever seen. But very soon she becomes boring and he requires new material, and another woman to create these feelings at the same height. The other woman still gives him feelings, but not at the same height any more: the novelty has worn off.

Many men and women go "bed hopping" from person to person looking for the one who will satisfy them forevermore. This is a fruitless pursuit that will never end, as there is no such person. Someone may do well for a while, but eventually it will fall. A couple can only have novel sex so many ways, and sooner or later the boredom will set in and eyes will look elsewhere. The physical can never find true happiness, only the spiritual can.

I remember there was a couple on a TV program. Both were considered really "hot stuff" by the viewing audience. The woman was young, had an attractive face, blond, tanned, slim, spoke well and kept really fit. The guy was considered a "hunk" by the women, was well built, fit and spoke well. They both said what great hot times they had in bed with each other. After some time however they split up. When asked why, they both had virtually the same response. They both admitted that they'd just got bored of having sex with each other _ the spark had gone from it.

Divorce and adultery are also rife within our society. Why? Why aren't people happy enough with their partners? They saw them as the "right" one at marriage, so what happened to that? So many people just "put up with" their situation, rather than have it grow. And that is because it's missing the most important ingredient _ following our Heavenly Father. We can tend to throw in all these extra demands of a marriage that just aren't realistic or good. A lustful marriage won't bring true joy at all: In fact it's opposed to it. Lust seems to bring a union, but this is just an illusion that will show up in time, leaving the couple wondering why.

I don't know how many times I've come across the supposed "perfect couple" who have ended up splitting up. I remember when in the army one guy was living with this young woman whom he claimed (quite strongly) he'd never leave. They had lots of hot sex together, and those in my platoon strongly supported his claim that he'd never leave her no matter what. I said to him, "what if she gets pregnant"? He said he'd stick by her even if she got pregnant. A couple of months later she told him she was pregnant and didn't want to kill the baby. Over the next few days he started to think about what this new responsibility would mean. The next thing I know he's turning up with another woman and admitting that he'd changed his mind.

Only real love built upon respect and trust of a spiritually good person with God solidly in their life can be a firm foundation (provided you're the same of course) to a marriage. And commitment to that person, expressed in the vows of marriage is one sign of such a person. Anyone wanting to "try you out" in the bed first isn't committed. We hear all these claims of "sexual incompatibility". However this can only be a problem if you're looking for sexual entertainment. Males and females are naturally sexually compatible. God made us physically sexually compatible with each other. It hardly takes a genius to see that. And people themselves would be aware of any physical deformity problems, and discuss that amongst themselves with prayer (in RARE cases where such may exist). This is just another poor excuse for poor behavior _ don't accept it.

The sooner a person can get rid of the idea that lust and true happiness can come together somewhere, the sooner they'll actually find true happiness. God knew this, and said so thousands of years ago. And it's never changed since.

13. Freedom

Hopefully I've said something, so far, that has sparked interest in those who are trapped by lust to get it out of their lives. The problem that then arises is how to make such a change: For some lust, masturbation and other sexual perversions may have become a habit followed for decades.

I'll tell you of a guy we'll call "Paul". He said, "I wanted to cease smoking (I was smoking 3 packets of cigarettes a day) and drinking alcohol (I drank very heavily also). I didn't know how to handle it, after trying several times, but with only minor successes. I heard a talk in church about how to give up such problems. The speaker said that you needed two things _ 1. Solid reasons why you wish to quit, that you can't dispute. 2. Belief in your ability to quit, and that God is behind you. I recognized that I had the reasons, but lacked self-belief. I was led by the Holy Spirit to some reading material that helped me gain that belief in myself and that God was with me." That material was the book called "The Power of Positive Thinking", written by Norman Vincent Peale, and is fairly easy to obtain. Paul only needed to read the first chapter, and apply its principles. I'd advise any having difficulty overcoming bad habits to read the book. The main concept that helped Paul was the use of positive affirmation cards to reprogram his abilities.

Anyone can quit bad habits as surely as anyone can start them. At some stage in your life you probably didn't have that habit. So you've proved that you can live without it. Others giving it up are also proof that you can do it as they are just people with the same body you have. Paul, along with many others, used those ideas presented and succeeded. On my mission and elsewhere I've also heard taped talks etc on the use of cards that can fit in your pocket. You can obtain them at most newsagents. The best thing is little white cardboard cards. They generally are lined so that you can write your affirmations in lines (pocket organizers could also be used and put it on your computer where that’s possible). On these you can write things that will help you re-see yourself. A classic one that is often used is the Scripture Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me". It's generally suggested that you repeat this around 10 times in a row at least 3 times a day. So that's at least 30 times a day. More often would be good at first (I'd suggest at least 5 times a day saying it 10 times in a row for at least the first 4 weeks). Say it with conviction and, if possible, aloud. If you can't say it aloud due to where you are at least say it in your mind.

Another one that is commonly used is Romans 8:31, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us who can be against us?" God wants you to succeed and is for you. He wants us all to be happy and free to do that which makes us happy. He wants us free to refrain from things that only bring misery and regret. Lust, cigarettes, alcohol, the obtaining of great riches and all other things that God has and is speaking against have never brought true happiness to anyone yet. And he is for anyone wanting to end these pursuits.

The other sorts of statements that can be on the card include things like "I'll soon be thoroughly enjoying driving my new car (or having a holiday) with what I've saved by not buying pornography (or not buying cigarettes / alcohol). As soon as you visualize yourself doing the habit, throw out the thought and replace it with a thought of you not doing the habit or refusing it. Remember it is YOUR mind. You place in the images you want. You'll get there, as so many before you, only with persistence. Spend time visualizing yourself as the person you wish to be. The more you visualize it, the more it will be so. One statement that I like to say is "I think positive and uplifting thoughts largely related to my relationship with God and Christ". Another I like is "be ye clean that bear the vessels of the Lord". But I think you will see that there is a great opportunity to remake yourself in a very positive manner. You visualize yourself as a person who doesn't do that any more _ "I'm glad I'm now a non-smoker", "I'm glad I don't have sexual fantasies any more", etc. You will be what you convince yourself that you are.

Another statement that can be used is, "I thoroughly admire the new person I've become". Another can be, "I can feel the presence of God helping and strengthening me". In regard this latter statement let me say from personal experience that if you convince yourself with this statement great things will start to occur between you and Heavenly Father. The biggest problem in our communication with The Father is our lack of faith that He would speak to us. But He loves you just as much as He loves anyone. He serves us all day by day to give us all this opportunity of being here.

Phil had a problem of masturbation that he'd had for over 30 years. When he finally accepted that this problem was responsible for his lack of contentment, and that also helped to cause serious problems in his marriage and family life, he knew it had to cease. With much prayer, commitment and perseverance Phil completely changed his life. While he now can't change the past, he is creating a great present and future with Gods' help. Lust always put that huge gap between himself and God, and himself and real happiness. I can't emphasize enough that God wants all to succeed in overcoming that which holds our spirit away from true joy. He wants us happy inside. Jesus Christ promises us real peace inside if we will follow what He has informed us will bring us this.

14. Repentance process, and Evaluating How it Happened

Once a person has come to see that lust may be the cause of many of their difficulties, they are at the beginning of the road to recovery. Although changing your actions can be done immediately, understanding it all won't be done in a week or month. Depending on the actions done, it may not even be done in a year. But without starting, a person will never get there. I should also point out that HUGE change can be made in your life within the space of a year.

To make this change successful you need to come to see, more and more, the connection between your problems and the cause, and also see that in the case of sex problems the cause is lust. You will eventually see that any sexual fantasy must go. Not having sexual thoughts (fantasies) won't stop you from having a full, loving relationship with your husband / wife _ don't be conned by Satan or others to accept that idea. Prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit is an important ingredient in making this more successful. As you strive to improve yourself the Holy Spirit will be helping you more and more, so don't feel that he won't guide you, because he'll guide anyone wanting to make a good change. Jesus Christ said, "And blessed are all they who do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost" (3 Nephi 12:6).

In this process several areas need to be looked at. One of the most difficult is actually recognizing just how far back the problem really started. The Holy Spirit can help in this, as you listen and think.

We tend to see the problem in rather simple terms. Therefore we see the beginning of a problem as the time things started physically happening. However there are many thoughts and actions, that may seem unrelated, that need to be recognized as contributing to the problem. This requires a lot of thinking back through your life very deeply and with prayer. You may even find that a good Bishop would be an advantage in this search. I wouldn't recommend the vast majority of Psychiatrists or Psychologists as they are too indoctrinated in absolutes rather than actually listening and using revelation. If your Bishop starts to look at someone else to blame for any part of your problems then this person can’t help you. No matter how comforting this idea may sound Jesus Christ taught otherwise. Go to someone else in the church. And remember to hear their theories and pray about it all afterward _ keep the Holy Ghost as your main guide.

So, what sort of things may you be looking for?

"Bill" started having sexual things occur between him and his daughter when she was 13. When he started to examine himself and make a change he had to really consider all the things that led him there, find their cause and resolve it or make sure it didn't occur again.

At the beginning Bill mainly only saw immediate problems that contributed. A tendency also was to blame others for its occurrence. But as time went on Bill finally came to see some of the problems were there for a long time. He remembered back to when his daughter was a baby and how he loved her and thought that he'd turn her into all the things that he'd wished his wife was. He decided to make her into the perfect wife for someone else when she grew up. This idea shows 2 problems (at least). 1. A serious marriage problem _ Bill needed to immediately throw all his effort into improving himself and his marriage. 2. He was laying the foundation for considering his daughter as a prospective wife. Both of these factors played a part in that which eventually occurred. Bill also was masturbating and had sexual fantasies, which, mixed with the other, created a bad situation.

Only by much prayer and listening to the Holy Ghost can you find the entire root of the problem. We tend to think in very obvious ways, and miss the subtle. God doesn't have this problem, so listen to Him.

We tend to make excuses for our actions or rationalize it all some how. Some techniques commonly used are _

Minimizing what we have done _ saying it wasn't all that bad, or didn't hurt anybody that much or they'll be OK.

Blaming others for what we have done _ saying something like, "it was her / his idea, I just went along with it", or "she shouldn't have been wearing revealing clothing", or "my uncle / aunt did that to me, so I learnt it from him / her".

Rationalizing it's occurrence _ "I did it for their good", or "they were insured anyway", or "every woman / man wants it anyway".

Denying that anything wrong ever occurred _ some people can hide things even from themselves. Or you can decide that it "just happened" and wasn't your fault at all.

Giving it to God _ deciding that you don't need to think about it or change yourself because you've "given it over to Him now".

(In regard to this last one let me state that Jesus Christ asks us to change our life, as demonstrated by His statement, "go and don't sin any more" {John 8:11}).

Use Impulse Control if Necessary

If a person has committed a sex offense there is a necessity to insure that it ceases and no longer occurs. If there is a problem here then you need defenses against this mistake continuing. Mainly I've centered this writing on making permanent, positive change; and spirituality as the greatest defense. And I should reiterate that this is the greatest barrier to sin. But it is advisable that before this takes full effect you look at whether impulse control is required in your situation, for the sake of all concerned.

Many things are written on "impulse control". You would need to create a list of High Risk Situations that you'd need to avoid, if possible. If you can't avoid them (and even if you can), also create a list of responses that you will do if you start to consider doing something that's not right. One that I've heard is flicking an elastic band on your wrist hard so that the pain will make your feelings change.

Some things to avoid include drugs, alcohol, being tired, brooding, getting angry, making quick decisions, blocking yourself off from people or hurting people.

Some things to look at doing include thinking about your thinking, fasting and praying for God's help (but remember the actions come from you), talking to someone about your problems (a bishop / minister would be advisable), express your feelings and work out a plan for your life etc.

I want to emphasize the importance of talking with someone about your problem. Secrecy is a danger to you. You must speak out to at least one other person about your problem that is interested in helping you cease it.

A person who has had trouble in regard to sex with children would need to make some out-of-bounds areas and some things to avoid. The following are some ideas: -

Don't be in the presence of children alone: Have another adult with you (preferably one who is aware of the problem).

Don't use cameras (including video cameras).

Avoid living near or going to parks, schools, play areas or any other place where children gather.

When at church, avoid the areas where the children will be (as best as possible).

Try to avoid friendships with people who have children: This would need to include possible marriage partners (if you are unmarried).

This list may present things that are impractical; particularly if you are married and have children or a school teacher etc. It is a guide only, and to give you an idea as to the sorts of things to have. You need to look at the areas that you feel pose a risk for you. But this is in no way a substitute for the real answer: And that is to change yourself inside.

The best idea is to have mental block against it. You need to visualize yourself not doing it _ remember that your mind and your hands are yours. Keep that focus _ DON'T LET GO OF IT.

Consider the justifications you've used before and after the wrong. Think about these justifications and pray to God about them, and listen to the spirit. Create a good set of answers to these justifications to prove them wrong _ which with Gods' help, and trust in Him you will be able to do.

It is important to go through what you have done and what you should have done instead. The best idea is to write down what you did in blue or black pen, and then writing what you should have done in another color (perhaps red). Then keep the list with you.

However once you have really changed your way of seeing lust Impulse Control is no longer necessary, because there won’t be any bad impulses to control.

15. Marriage and Fixing It

So if lust and many other problems have slipped into your marriage and you'd like to have a good marriage, it will obviously take effort to make the right changes. People who flit from one marriage and into another one, without making drastic change, will only end-up with similar problems in time. So the real answer is for both partners to improve themselves to the point that the other partner loves being with them. Both see the problems in the other, but acknowledge having some problems themselves. The answer to resolving marriage problems isn't for the other partner to live and think how you feel they should. People often try to resolve marriage problems by creating compromises _ and this is good as it gets at the main problem _ selfishness. But the real answer doesn’t lie in one doing what the other wants, it lies in you both doing what someone else wants. The "someone else" has to be someone who would encourage you both to do good, and that you both trust. The best "someone else" is God.

Both husband and wife should agree to work TOGETHER toward something that God asks us to do. It needs to be specific. There's no good just saying, "love others". There are many things that can be done as a couple.

Missionary work is one. This can be done by inviting people who don't go to church over for a meal, and mentioning your beliefs in God in the course of conversation. Or inviting people to church or church functions _ you have to sow a lot of seeds to get some results, but work together at it, and be patient.

Visiting old folks homes to make them feel better. Or / and visiting the sick in hospitals. My mother used to take me to hospitals and find out who wasn't receiving visitors. We would then visit with them to help them feel better. As a boy I felt very bored listening to some old persons' chatter. But on the way home my mother asked me to think of the happiness we'd put on that person's face. And then she said, "doesn't that make you feel good inside your heart that you did that"? And on feeling how I felt inside, I had to admit she was right. So don't feel odd about involving kids in the visits also.

There are many worthwhile projects that a couple can be involved in. There are many people who need things done around their homes who are incapable of doing them due to health problems or they don't have the necessary skills. Start looking hard enough for these opportunities and you'll find them.

Seeing your partner working away at helping these people will deepen your respect for your partner and your partner will feel the same of your effort. Things will take time, so be patient. But in time, with this increased respect and admiration you'll find a better ability to resolve problems together.

Praying together about the projects you are doing together will also help strengthen this. Reading Scripture together also increases the spiritual atmosphere.

16. Why Listen to God if I'm Sure I'm Right

I remember an instance when my children were very young and I'd sit them down to teach them things. One of those things was the English language. My older daughter protested, as she'd prefer to be out playing. I said that she'd want to learn this so that she could read books and signs and all sorts of things. She said that she'd never want to read books or anything, and held to this regardless of what I said. I kept her there and taught her anyway, but under protest.

A few times in her teenage years I'd refer to this statement of hers when she was claiming to know better than me. But it did no good as she just accepted that I was right then but now she knows better than me on this issue (whatever issue it was).

I'm sure we all realize that as children we thought we understood so much (particularly through teenage years) yet knew so little. And life should teach us just how little we really know, the more we learn. Things seem certain ways, and others (proposing to be experts) promote these concepts. Yet in reality we're just a pack of kids with a long way to go. Our science puts forth claims of truth which are later on disproved; to be proven again (maybe) decades later; and then disproved again later still. It turns facts into theories, and theories into facts. In some ways we've gone so far, yet in others we've gone backward. All past civilizations have been just the same _ they've had their women's lib., scientific theories, philosophers, false religions (some with the true one), and felt that now they had got it all worked out basically. We've had people say, "ah, but it's the 60's now (meaning 1960's)", as if to suggest being that decade we know better. The same was said when the 70's, 80's, 90's, and new millennium arrived, as if to suggest that somehow what date it is means we know everything (or there about). I remember reading a statement from a German writer, who was living in Germany at the coming of the 1900's. It stated that they were in such an enlightened age now and world communication so good that there'd be no more wars. What does a person say to that?

There was a time in my life (at 17) when I put one foot out to see how good it was on the other side _ to test the water, so to speak. After 3 years of this, and having made what I could see was an absolute mess, I pleaded for God's help, and He helped me drag myself out of it.

The world can give a strong illusion that it knows where it's going. This can confuse anyone if they start to look away from God. But these lifestyles will not produce the true joy that you really want inside. Your conscious and subconscious minds will always be in conflict, and your spirit won't feel good.

While I can't claim knowing the whole mind of God in regard to His laws, some things stand out as rather obvious and observable (others can be found by sincere prayer). God has logical reasons for all the laws and advice that He's given. If you love others you do feel good inside. If you hate others you feel bad inside. God is right in this. He has made the claim that this is how it is, and you can prove God is right by trying it. So it is with all God's laws. They all have a point. And they all apply to everyone the same. By following them completely for sufficient time to make them part of you, you will see the difference that they make in you for good.

I remember when I was in the army (for 3 years) I was swearing. But I felt it was OK as it was part of the language. When I left the army I quit swearing and within a couple of months I was surprised about how much cleaner I felt. Yet at the time of swearing I felt it had no effect at all.

Some try to actually BLAME God for all the things wrong in the world and their life. It's like proposing that God forces people to hate each other. The case is closer toward the opposite, though God doesn't force anyone. God is the promoter of all the good in the world, and the opposer of all evil. If a parent teaches a child not to do a particular thing, and teaches the child this often, can the parent be to blame if the child goes out and does it as a 20-year-old? If God forced us all to do what He said we'd just be machines, and have no life.

With free choice comes the right to make wrong choices that cut away at our freedom, and the freedom of others. There won't be peace in the world until everybody obeys God in everything He's saying _ not just the ones that suit them. God has wisdom and experience far beyond ours. He is the wise and all knowing parent, and we are the little children who need to place all our trust in our Father and ignore what seems right to us. Only by doing so will we come to see that He's right in a good and positive way. He knows the laws that naturally exist, and can help us understand them, and gain happiness by following them.

He asks us to have faith in Jesus Christ, and thereby see we have sinned. We then need to repent of these sins, and ask for forgiveness (we need to fix up what we've done wrong if we can). We then need to symbolically bury our old self by baptism (Romans 6:4) and then "walk in newness of life" not repeating the old ways we've buried, but follow God by the guidance of the Holy Ghost. We must become obedient and accept our Heavenly Father's instructions as a little child, in humility (Matthew 18:3-4). This will give you true joy inside and eternal life in our Heavenly Father's kingdom.

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